Every Thursday, the Women’s Web expert panel with the support of HealthEminds, answers questions from readers facing relationships issues, emotional and mental challenges and other such issues.
I am frustrated by the constant advice to marry!
As a single woman at 30, I am finding it very difficult to deal with the constant advice of people on getting married. People seem to feel that I should be happy to get married to any man and “not be too choosy” since “time is running out for me”.
I am not unhappy about my single status, although there are times when I do crave companionship. I am meeting men through various channels, both traditional and otherwise, but haven’t yet found anyone I am really comfortable with. What makes me unhappy is the constant “well-meaning” advice from people, including remote acquaintances, on how I should be getting married and having kids soon, before my biological clock runs out.
This has started getting to me to such an extent that I have begun avoiding social functions and gatherings at times. I am not sure how to cut off such questioning without coming across as rude. What can I do? – Neha
“Dear Neha,
I can totally understand how you must feel and what you are going through right now, having been there myself many years ago. First, let us just put a few things in perspective here. All the “well-meaning” relatives and acquaintances will continue their “well-meaning” advice however much you try to get them to stop. Social gatherings are like food to their hungry, topic-less, looking-for-excitement lives and unmarried, smart and’ together’ kind of women are always the target to their ill-timed shots. Marriage and child-bearing topics are embedded in our social fabric in such a way that people find it difficult to look beyond it somehow.
Take heart. Just look at it purely in one way… like you put it yourself – “well-meaning”. It will be easier for you to handle it when you do. You cannot please them all. And trust me, even if you do, they will find another topic to discuss and irk you with, till they find another person to bother!
Don’t let what they say or ask affect you so much. If they are indeed acquaintances or people you meet only during social events, please don’t let them have so much power over your feelings and reactions. Try to politely change the topic or just smile and say, “I am looking out, if you find someone, do let me/my parents/guardians know.” If they give you the biological clock example, then do tell them that you are not comfortable discussing this and either just walk away or just smile, nod and avoid any further discussion. A tad bit of humor can also be very useful here!
It is also ok to be firm sometimes and tell them what you think. Most of the time, people don’t realize that the topic bothers you and it’s rude on their part to keep at it. You have every right to stand up to yourself and if need be you can come off strongly as well! It’s really okay.
If you matter to them, they won’t say such things, and if you don’t, then they don’t need to matter to you either!
Another way is also to hang around with someone you are close to during these events. So that they also either change the topic or speak up in your defense or help you avoid the gossip-mongers all together! You don’t have to avoid functions, because you have nothing to be ashamed of.
In my opinion, you should never get married because you have nothing better to do with your life. And the worst reason to marry is because society expects it of you or because you simply must have children soon!
If you are open to relationships, then keep at it. You seem to be on the right track. Please, never marry anyone who comes your way, like you’ve been ‘advised’. It’s not a single short trip. It’s a life long journey and it matters who it is, who will be going along with you. An unhappy marriage is so much more painful than the worst episode of being single!
If you are spiritual, I’ve read somewhere that, ‘You meet a lot of wrong men so that when you finally meet the right one, you will know how to be grateful!’ However, there are plenty of things that can complete you and help you lead a happy, fulfilling life… and it’s not just marriage that it takes to do that. Hang in there! The best is yet to come. Good luck!”
– Ms.Rohini Kesavan Rajiv, Consultant Psychotherapist